The name John means "beloved" - a reference to God's love for the apostle John - it is no wonder that John is the most common name throughout the United Kingdom and United States. It is a wonder that everyone is not named some derivative of this name! I was once married to a John - John William Smith to be exact. As common as this name is I have never known another John Smith and I have never known anyone like John.
John has had a stake in my life since I met him working at Domino's pizza about 21 years ago. We dated and a whirlwind of things happened that resulted in us becoming young and divorced parents. We have a daughter together and she is a unique combination of the two of us. She is inquisitive, intense and questioning like her father and guarded with a strong and loyal heart like me. She is 19 years old now and for years I have been a single parent. It has been a difficult and frustrating ride...and still is. Somehow we have managed to get through a lot of challenges.
It is my tenancy to be disapproving of John and feel that he just didn't want to be a husband or a father all these years - but really he just wasn't ready. I wasn't either... but I love my daughter through thick and thin... she is my beloved. I would do anything for her - and have been in over my head for a long time. I think that John is beginning to move in some new directions and I am hopeful that he will come to know, love and support Anna in the years to come.
I am not angry with the way things have happened in my life... but I have been disappointed. I am trying not to be though... I am believing that these things will all come together for good. I think about John and Anna - these two people who have shaped my life - my decisions - my choices...and I can only think that it must all be happening for a reason. It is not the life I wanted - but I am in it and pleading my case. If this is what I have to work with may God give me courage to love them.
They are beloved.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Knowing
After years in the battlefield as it seems... I have observed a few
things. Some people really are limited. They can only draw upon what
they know and often they will project their own life/understandings
right on you. It causes some discomfort because here is someone you look
to for support or trust... and they don't get you at all. The other
thing I have noticed is that there are people who as wonderful as they
are - they can not see beyond what is right in front of them. The most
frustrating types are the ones who sound nice... but instead of
encouraging you in life... they actually discourage you because of their
own logic. There are also people,,, the most important ones like family
members who instead of lifting you up - they bring you down. These
people lack faith.
So while we need people in our lives... the people we love and trust can really screw things up for us. It is better to rely on God. If you are struggling with something.. you can go to other people for love, support and guidance if you want... but the best thing to do in my experience is just rest on it and wait on the Lord to do his thing. "Be Still and Know that I am God."
So while we need people in our lives... the people we love and trust can really screw things up for us. It is better to rely on God. If you are struggling with something.. you can go to other people for love, support and guidance if you want... but the best thing to do in my experience is just rest on it and wait on the Lord to do his thing. "Be Still and Know that I am God."
Monday, January 14, 2013
Fellowship
I always look for the spiritual in the things that happen to me... and on this trip I was on the lookout for something...God took me to Maine and beyond to tell me not to be disappointed... what could a trip to California teach me?
I found a spring in the valley - a friend, an artist and a man of God.
Kevin Kevissimo Rolly is an artist and his comments about the Christian faith caught my attention several years ago on Flickr - a website for photographers. Kevin and I both were actively commenting on group pages like Christian Photographer Fellowship and Christian Apologetics.
In November, I was able to visit Kevin in Los Angeles at Big Art Labs: a compound where artists live and work. Kevin's studio is here and he shared with me a project he had worked on that really gave me a scope on his heart for God. It was a photograph - several photographs together in one piece he calls "The Last Supper." Kevin had a vision for this work and managed to get permission from several families to photograph a group of disabled people. The image is an oilgraph - photographs painted with black oil paint. The people represented disciples and the central figure was Christ, looked straight into the camera with his arms stretched out - pointing downward towards the represented people . Kevin said that he knew he was supposed to make this image with the Christ figure conveying that he (Christ) died for you ( the imperfect) - all of us.
I talked with Kevin more and learned that his art is inspired by prophetic images that God gives him. The images often appear to be illustrations straight from the Old Testament - sometimes dark, anguished and sensual. We talked about our faith experiences and things God had shown us and then we prayed. It was a time of fellowhip and after several weeks of traveling, being sick, away from all that I knew - away from my home...I felt renewed.
I found out what fellowship is.
I found a spring in the valley - a friend, an artist and a man of God.
Kevin Kevissimo Rolly is an artist and his comments about the Christian faith caught my attention several years ago on Flickr - a website for photographers. Kevin and I both were actively commenting on group pages like Christian Photographer Fellowship and Christian Apologetics.
In November, I was able to visit Kevin in Los Angeles at Big Art Labs: a compound where artists live and work. Kevin's studio is here and he shared with me a project he had worked on that really gave me a scope on his heart for God. It was a photograph - several photographs together in one piece he calls "The Last Supper." Kevin had a vision for this work and managed to get permission from several families to photograph a group of disabled people. The image is an oilgraph - photographs painted with black oil paint. The people represented disciples and the central figure was Christ, looked straight into the camera with his arms stretched out - pointing downward towards the represented people . Kevin said that he knew he was supposed to make this image with the Christ figure conveying that he (Christ) died for you ( the imperfect) - all of us.
I talked with Kevin more and learned that his art is inspired by prophetic images that God gives him. The images often appear to be illustrations straight from the Old Testament - sometimes dark, anguished and sensual. We talked about our faith experiences and things God had shown us and then we prayed. It was a time of fellowhip and after several weeks of traveling, being sick, away from all that I knew - away from my home...I felt renewed.
I found out what fellowship is.
from sickness to health
So we traveled and worked together. We worked hard and were up on our feet all day long on the days of our exhibitions. We did everything together and I came to appreciate her business skill and ability to turn a frustrating long day into a light hearted and fun night out on the town.
I began to be homesick during our week in Seattle... of course I was sick... but I found myself wanting to escape to a bar. unbelievable!! I hardly ever drink... but when the hotel manager saw how sick I was... he told me to go have a "hot buttered rum" over at the hotel bar. I dragged myself over and coughed, hacked and sneezed while I waited for this hot drink... that was supposed to cure me. No one wanted to sit near me... so I just sat at the bar and felt like I would die.
The drink ended up being a pleasant substitute for cough medicine... which I also took later...I really hoped all these things would just knock me out. I slept well... but woke up the next day with the worst sore throat I have ever had. My throat was dry and inflamed for hours... and at one point during the day... I lost my voice and could not speak. My eyes filled with tears and I became so weak that when I found a chair to sit in... I experienced everything slowing down and my senses filtered everything out. okay... so that is the story... you get that I was horribly sick.
When we got to San Mateo, I began to recover by spending all of my freetime in a hot tub at the hotel. This is a true cure if you ask me. By time we reached Santa Monica, I was much better; it took 2 weeks to recover. I was working hard and feeling happy again - so on my day off I went to the Getty Art Museum!
Going to the Getty was like a dream come true for me. I was a fine art major in college and even though I am not an artist... I have always felt most at home when I am looking at art... I went by myself and explored and lingered around the gorgeous Italian paintings for hours it was a religious experience... truly experiencing the birth of Christ through gold leaf panels perfectly painted almost 700 years ago. I took pictures and felt like I have now done everything that I have come on this trip to do - but that was not all that happened.
I began to be homesick during our week in Seattle... of course I was sick... but I found myself wanting to escape to a bar. unbelievable!! I hardly ever drink... but when the hotel manager saw how sick I was... he told me to go have a "hot buttered rum" over at the hotel bar. I dragged myself over and coughed, hacked and sneezed while I waited for this hot drink... that was supposed to cure me. No one wanted to sit near me... so I just sat at the bar and felt like I would die.
The drink ended up being a pleasant substitute for cough medicine... which I also took later...I really hoped all these things would just knock me out. I slept well... but woke up the next day with the worst sore throat I have ever had. My throat was dry and inflamed for hours... and at one point during the day... I lost my voice and could not speak. My eyes filled with tears and I became so weak that when I found a chair to sit in... I experienced everything slowing down and my senses filtered everything out. okay... so that is the story... you get that I was horribly sick.
When we got to San Mateo, I began to recover by spending all of my freetime in a hot tub at the hotel. This is a true cure if you ask me. By time we reached Santa Monica, I was much better; it took 2 weeks to recover. I was working hard and feeling happy again - so on my day off I went to the Getty Art Museum!
Going to the Getty was like a dream come true for me. I was a fine art major in college and even though I am not an artist... I have always felt most at home when I am looking at art... I went by myself and explored and lingered around the gorgeous Italian paintings for hours it was a religious experience... truly experiencing the birth of Christ through gold leaf panels perfectly painted almost 700 years ago. I took pictures and felt like I have now done everything that I have come on this trip to do - but that was not all that happened.
Differences
I have found myself saying " Really!?" a lot, "it is horrible" and "unbelievable"... these words have eased into my communication lately and it seems to stem from conversations and differences that I encountered on my recent adventures.
In most cases there was an expectation not being met that caused this jaded talk. As I traveled there were talks about a lot of things including what makes crazy people cross over the boundaries they have and become actually quite evil. We talked about how great Istanbul was ( I have never been there - but the hospitality in Turkey is said to be unparralleled) We talked about how poor the U.S. economy is and argued about what could be done about it. You just can not compare 2 countries that are so different.
We talked about God.
In the last several months I have come up with some undenyable things that help shape the way I talk about my God. The most evident thing is that Jesus, who is called Immanuel, is God with us. He never leaves us. The other thing is that at some point in our life... a point that is deeper than the surface on which we live.. we realize that there are some things we can not control... some things that happen beyond our own doing, our own strategy. These - I believe are the things of God.
So I shared my faith with a woman who explained to me that she was a Muslim - a contemporary type of muslim that is not so traditional (at all) but almost secular. It was her observation after truly traveling all over the world that everyone wants to be forgiven - in every religion. She did not agree with me that Jesus was the only way... but she did believe that there was only one God.
In our travels together I let her know that I grew from being a child who thought that most people were good in the world to an adult that understood the opposite to be true. It seems odd even to me that a Christian would think that....but it is human nature to be sinful. I stated that my observations were that people will lie, cheat, steal and even kill to get what they want, that there is a system of choices that lead people to believe that they need a savior.
I guess this seemed to be too sensitive - so we stopped talking about God after that - we had differences.
In most cases there was an expectation not being met that caused this jaded talk. As I traveled there were talks about a lot of things including what makes crazy people cross over the boundaries they have and become actually quite evil. We talked about how great Istanbul was ( I have never been there - but the hospitality in Turkey is said to be unparralleled) We talked about how poor the U.S. economy is and argued about what could be done about it. You just can not compare 2 countries that are so different.
We talked about God.
In the last several months I have come up with some undenyable things that help shape the way I talk about my God. The most evident thing is that Jesus, who is called Immanuel, is God with us. He never leaves us. The other thing is that at some point in our life... a point that is deeper than the surface on which we live.. we realize that there are some things we can not control... some things that happen beyond our own doing, our own strategy. These - I believe are the things of God.
So I shared my faith with a woman who explained to me that she was a Muslim - a contemporary type of muslim that is not so traditional (at all) but almost secular. It was her observation after truly traveling all over the world that everyone wants to be forgiven - in every religion. She did not agree with me that Jesus was the only way... but she did believe that there was only one God.
In our travels together I let her know that I grew from being a child who thought that most people were good in the world to an adult that understood the opposite to be true. It seems odd even to me that a Christian would think that....but it is human nature to be sinful. I stated that my observations were that people will lie, cheat, steal and even kill to get what they want, that there is a system of choices that lead people to believe that they need a savior.
I guess this seemed to be too sensitive - so we stopped talking about God after that - we had differences.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
I was away for a while...
Since August, I have been away for a while. My daughter went off to
college... and I (read previous entry) was whisked off on an adventure to Maine
and on to Canada. I came back from the trip thinking and telling my friends,
"I really just want to travel."
The next thing I knew I was contacted by a woman who was looking for someone to travel with her! This was an unusual job opportunity for me and it won me over. I had interviewed for another position that would require me to relocate to New York....it was a job that I had repeatedly pursued for about 3 years. The NY position was so appealing to me but when I actually went to Saugerties, NY to meet the people I would be working with...and see the town where I would live... I changed my mind. Maybe I just wasn't ready to move to another state yet... or maybe this just wasn't the right position after all. I came home and accepted the temporary job - traveling with a Turkish woman.
The job would involve traveling for 6 weeks to National Harbor, DC, Marlboro, Mass, Seattle, Washington, San Mateo, California, Santa Monica, CA, and then to Chicago. I looked at the calendar and I would be away from home over Thanksgiving and my birthday...perfect.
I arranged for a friend and my parents to spend Thanksgiving with my daughter... and started packing. I packed light for the first 2 east coast trips - we would travel by Penske truck and I would be home 1 day off in between shows. Three shows would be on the west coast so we flew to Seattle and rented a car for our travel. After the Santa Monica show we would fly to Chicago and then head back to Pennsylvania. The job by the way was setting up a jewelry booth at an international gem and jewelry show - my job was to set up, sell, pack up and travel.
These trips were interesting and I am still processing the experience. We would wake up around 6 am and work until about 7 pm or later each day... I was sick with a severe cold with flu symptoms - sore throat, aching, stuffy head, coughing and sneezing for part of the trip - so I survived on Advil, Dayquil and Nyquil...hot tea, lemon, honey, cough drops, water, coffee, soup... anything I could get ahold of.
I was miserable.
The next thing I knew I was contacted by a woman who was looking for someone to travel with her! This was an unusual job opportunity for me and it won me over. I had interviewed for another position that would require me to relocate to New York....it was a job that I had repeatedly pursued for about 3 years. The NY position was so appealing to me but when I actually went to Saugerties, NY to meet the people I would be working with...and see the town where I would live... I changed my mind. Maybe I just wasn't ready to move to another state yet... or maybe this just wasn't the right position after all. I came home and accepted the temporary job - traveling with a Turkish woman.
The job would involve traveling for 6 weeks to National Harbor, DC, Marlboro, Mass, Seattle, Washington, San Mateo, California, Santa Monica, CA, and then to Chicago. I looked at the calendar and I would be away from home over Thanksgiving and my birthday...perfect.
I arranged for a friend and my parents to spend Thanksgiving with my daughter... and started packing. I packed light for the first 2 east coast trips - we would travel by Penske truck and I would be home 1 day off in between shows. Three shows would be on the west coast so we flew to Seattle and rented a car for our travel. After the Santa Monica show we would fly to Chicago and then head back to Pennsylvania. The job by the way was setting up a jewelry booth at an international gem and jewelry show - my job was to set up, sell, pack up and travel.
These trips were interesting and I am still processing the experience. We would wake up around 6 am and work until about 7 pm or later each day... I was sick with a severe cold with flu symptoms - sore throat, aching, stuffy head, coughing and sneezing for part of the trip - so I survived on Advil, Dayquil and Nyquil...hot tea, lemon, honey, cough drops, water, coffee, soup... anything I could get ahold of.
I was miserable.
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