beloved

The name John means "beloved" - a reference to God's love for the apostle John - it is no wonder that John is the most common name throughout the United Kingdom and United States. It is a wonder that everyone is not named some derivative of this name! I was once married to a John - John William Smith to be exact. As common as this name is I have never known another John Smith and I have never known anyone like John.

John has had a stake in my life since I met him working at Domino's pizza about 21 years ago. We dated and a whirlwind of things happened that resulted in us becoming young and divorced parents. We have a daughter together and she is a unique combination of the two of us. She is inquisitive, intense and questioning like her father and guarded with a strong and loyal heart like me. She is 19 years old now and for years I have been a single parent. It has been a difficult and frustrating ride...and still is. Somehow we have managed to get through a lot of challenges.

It is my tenancy to be disapproving of John and feel that he just didn't want to be a husband or a father all these years - but really he just wasn't ready. I wasn't either... but I love my daughter through thick and thin... she is my beloved. I would do anything for her - and have been in over my head for a long time. I think that John is beginning to move in some new directions and I am hopeful that he will come to know, love and support Anna in the years to come.

I am not angry with the way things have happened in my life... but I have been disappointed. I am trying not to be though... I am believing that these things will all come together for good. I think about John and Anna - these two people who have shaped my life - my decisions - my choices...and I can only think that it must all be happening for a reason. It is not the life I wanted - but I am in it and pleading my case. If this is what I have to work with may God give me courage to love them.

They are beloved.